Advice: How can I tell if my partner is really enjoying fisting?

My partner says he wants to get fisted, which he knows I love. But when we have sex, he never gets hard or cums. He says the sex is brilliant, but is he just doing all this to please me? How can I tell he’s enjoying it if I get no reaction?

— Name Withheld

Howdy.

Many people think that, with feelings like doubt or jealousy, “where there’s smoke, there’s fire.” I do not.

If there is a tacit contract we make with the people we date, it’s an agreement to believe them — to trust their words, their agency, their autonomy, over what their body does, or seems to do. If you can’t believe him when he says the sex is “brilliant,” erections and ejaculatory orgasms are the least of your problems.

Not every penis-bearer gets hard during sex, especially when they bottom. And not every orgasm is ejaculatory. Men have many G-spots and many erogenous zones. How do you know he’s not feeling pleasure somewhere else, in another way, during sex—perhaps in a less-obvious way, a way you can’t see so clearly?

If you want to know for sure, ask him. Good communication in a relationship means being able to talk about sex without hurting anyone’s feelings.

Ask him which things you do in sex he particularly likes. Ask if the sex can be improved in any way — if there are things you can do to make it better. You can even tell him your insecurities, tell him where these doubts come from — from how his body seems to react (or not). But take caution: do not frame this as something he’s doing wrong. “You’re not getting hard and it really bugs me” will only increase pressure on him and his erections, which is not helpful if pressure and performance anxiety are the very things he is struggling with.

Many penis-wielding champions of sex struggle with erections, ejaculation, and the widespread social misconception that these things happen easily. The body is a fickle thing, and anxiety, hormonal changes, age, depression, certain medications (including, quite commonly, antidepressants), and a host of other factors can inhibit boners. Nothing to be ashamed of, but it can (and should) be talked about between partners. He might consider talking to a doctor, and this might be a good chance to show your support for that—but if he doesn’t, that’s okay, too. That’s his choice, not yours.

Part of the work of dating is appraising sex together. It’s one of the key things every couple should sit down and discuss on a regular basis. I call these things the Five Fs: Friends, Family, Fucking, Finances, and Feelings. If every couple talks about these five things every few months with total honesty (and no repercussions for that honesty—no raised voices, no slammed doors) most relationship hurdles will be overcome together. So, go talk to him about Fucking. It’s important.

Hey there! I’m Alexander Cheves. I’m a sex writer and former sex worker—I worked in the business for over 12 years. You can read my sex-and-culture column Last Call in Out and my book My Love Is a Beast: Confessions, from Unbound Edition Press. But be warned: Kirkus Reviews says the book is "not for squeamish readers.”

In the past, I directed (ahem) adult videos and sold adult products. I have spoken about subjects like cruising, sexual health, and HIV at the International AIDS Conference, SXSW, the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai, and elsewhere, and appeared on dozens of podcasts.

Here, I’m offering sex and relationship advice to Out’s readers. Send your question to [email protected]— it may get answered in a future post.